So, it seems I don’t have anyone else. And quite frankly, I’m lonely as hell.. so I decided.. I’d make a journal on here. So here it goes..
July 10th, 2012
It’s back.. the depression. I’m so confused, it feels like I don’t know what I want anymore, and I don’t know how I feel. It feels like I’ve lost my way, like I’m losing myself. I’m so lonely, I miss my best friend. He was always there for me.. he never let me down. He was one place short of everything to me. But now he’s gone, part of me wants to talk to him, to run into his arms like I used to, and then there is another part of me where I never want to talk to him again. I guess him liking me all these years is the reason he never hurt me. He was like the brother I always wanted, but never had. And now that judgement is clouded. I don’t hate him, my boyfriend takes care of that feeling enough for the world. I just feel lost, like I’m walking through crowds of people, and no one sees me. And the sadest part of it all, is that no one who claims to be the closest to me even knows how sad and lonely I am. Rashad knows, but he’s busy with summer school. And I’m to stubborn to tell him anything. I miss friends, but at the same time I’m to scared to let anyone else in close enough to hurt me. It’s all pretty much an act though, I pretend to be tough, but inside I’m really just this fragile person. One that can be broken with just a sentence. I’m to busy worrying about the way I look and trying to make myself “perfect” but in the end, I know I’ll never be happy with myself. I know all this starving I’m doing, all this emotional pain I keep provoking, it won’t be worth it. But if I know this.. then why can’t I stop?
July 11, 2012
I woke up to my mom screaming at me today. Last night I was literally scared to sleep, well, not scared, but I was okay last night. For a little while, I didn’t want to sleep because I knew that I’d wake up and be sad again. And I was. I cried, and talked to my boyfriend, he asked me if I needed to start taking my medicine again. Unfortunatly, I don’t have anymore. I wonder if people will read this, and think I’m just another teenage girl looking for attention. I wouldn’t know, but I know I’m not “being sad for attention” I tend to put the world’s problems before my own, I guess it’s a denial thing, becuase I know if I admit my problems to myself, then it all becomes real. I can’t pretend they don’t exsist anymore, i don’t want pity, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want a friend (other then Hannah and Rashad) who will actually be there when they say they will. But apparently that’s to much to ask for nowadays right? In other news, I got into the same debate for the one hundreth time at least. “Your big boned, thick” I don’t want to be “big boned” how is that even fair? That I can’t look the way I want because of my genes? But that’s just the thing, it isn’t fair. But I’m still determined, I had three pineapple chunks and a bottle of water for breakfast so far. Not really hungry, probably because I have enough fat on my body to last me a century..
I feel okay at the moment, but yet still lost. How does that work? I hate the moodswings, the pain, the tears. I hate it all. I slowly become okay with myself, then bounce right back to depression and self hatred. I wish for once I could take my own advice.
July 13th, 2012
Today, I started to feel fine, all was well.. but it still came. No matter how hard I try to not let certain things get to me, they still do. And I’m startung to think they always will.. It’s normal for everyone to be sad right? But how sad do you have to be to be considered crazy? Depressed? Or even a lost cause? I think that’s what I am sometimes, a lost cause. I preach to all my friends how perfection is an opinion, and how you don’t have to be stick thin to be loved. But why can’t I take my own advice? Everyone notices my change, so then why can’t I accept it? Why can’t I accept that I am loved?
I am a jealous person, this I know. I also know that I am clingy, protective, dellusional, emotional, crazy, the list could go on really. I don’t trust many people, and I consider myself to be alone in the world. I’ve sunk back into old habits, hurting myself crosses my mind almost daily, and I starve myself worse then ever because I feel beyond pathetic. I don’t feel good enough, not for anyone, and at times I don’t want to be alive. I lay in my bed and wish I could sleep away my problems, sleep away my life. But I can’t. I hide my emotions from the people I shouldn’t, and to be honest, I miss the hospital constantly. It’s sorta my home, as I write these, I cry, and I cry, and I cry. I wish I could feel good enough. -sigh- so there’s these girls on this roleplay crap, that I’m jealous of, in truth I’m jealous of alot of people. Because in the end the one person I hate most in my life is me. I torture myself really.. I over think, and I worry.. I shouldn’t be alive.. I know this much, but I am. It seems like living is hard, complicated, terrifying, depressing.. I don’t have many happy memories. I don’t want pity though, so I tell no one. I just sit here and suffer in silence. I’m a lost cause. I can not be helped. My boyfriend deserves better then me, but then there’s been times when I feel like I deserve better. I feel worthless, and so stupid because I let the people I swore I never would back in. There’s a box full of pizza next to me, and even though I hate pizza, it makes my stomach ache in hunger. I wonder if my boyfriend had known all my secret emotions, and all my self destruction, if he had a look inside my clever disaster of a mind.. if he’d still love me. I’m scared I’m pushing him away..
July 15th, 2012
I lost three pounds this week. It’s good, better then nothing. But not good enough. There’s this voice inside my head that whispers thoughts to the surface of my mind everytime I pick up anything edible. It says “You” regret it, and with every bite that is just one step in the wrong direction of perfection” And I always believe it, because my inner demons tend to be right. I always know when something wrong is happening, and I think that’s because.. actually, I have no clue why. I eat though, because I have eyes all over me. Boyfriend, friends, parents.. While everyone is telling me I am fine, and perfect, and not fat.. I trust not a single one of them. Boyfriend: “Your perfect, why can’t you see that I love you for the way you are?” Me thinking to myself : “Because, I’m not prefect. If I was perfect you wouldn’t have cheated on me, if I was perfect none of my past relationships would have cheated on me. If I was perfect, I’d be good enough, and apparently I never am.” To me, all these words people tell me are lies, and I trust no one. The feeling of being alone is the pavement to my life. All these people once called me fat, said I needed to lose weight, said they hated me, and now they say I’m thin, perfect, beautiful, gorgeous.. What am I supposed to believe? I SEE MY FLAWS BETTER THEN EVERYONE. I AM ME. I know myself, I know how I think, I know how I act, I know the secrets I keep deep inside. Depression is home, I know it better then anything. I have urges to cut.. To drag the knife accrossed my skin for every time I cried, to hurt myself and try and kill the demon on the inside. I didn’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be like this. And everytime someone asks me how I lost weight, I panic, because I don’t want people to know that I only eat one piece of bread a day, or eat a 25 calorie ice pop. I haven’t died yet because I have enough fat on me to last a life time. I don’t doubt that my boyfriend loves me, but I know one day he’ll find someone better.. everyone is better then me in some way shape or form. either they are funnnier, smarter, skinnier, prettier, have longer hair, a bigger butt, sexier, interested in his likes more. No matter what, they are better then me in some way shape or form. But in truth, everyone is better then everyone. There is no “perfect” person, Perfection is merely a perspective, an opinion. But if I know this, then why don’t I stop? Maybe because I don’t even fit my own version of perfect. If I can’t fit my own how can I fit anyone else’s? Maybe everyone else is just blinded by there relationship they have with me..
July 22, 2012
I lost 9 pounds, I felt great, but then my mom wanted to go out to eat. So I had to go with. And my boyfriend crammed Subway down my throat. So I gained some of it back. After going a whole week eating nothing but a half a cup of lettuce a day and eating under 100 calories a day you get used to eating nothing. So I had to stop eating because it hurt my stomach. And then my mom said “She’s pretending to be anorexic” I’m not pretending to be something I’m not. I don’t claim that I have anorexia, but I don’t not eat to fit in or whatever. So she came home and made me eat all of the pasta. She didn’t care, she literally thinks I’m supposed to weight as much as her. But it’s whatever.. what I do when I’m alone shall remain the same. No one can stop me. Not even I can stop me. I asked my boyfriend what type of figure I had, he showed me a picture. To him “He sees nothing wrong with it” To me.. I saw everything wrong. I saw nothing but flaws. For once.. I want to be called skinny.. and someone mean it and I want people to tell me that and not be saying it just to get me to eat. I woke up feeling great. I stayed up talking to Brittany all night, she’s pretty cool. Shemade me feel less lonely D: But amyways.. apparently I’m “fat” again. So how many weeks do I have to starve now?
July 29th, 2012
We all have a breaking point right? Yeah.. well, I think I might’ve just hit it. I’ve been starving myself off and on for over a year now. Everytime I’d start again it’d be worse then the last. The most recent time was pretty bad, but I lost alot of weight. Everytime the scale went down, I couldn’t help but smile. I was overjoyed. It motivated me to keep going. I dropped down to my lowest weight since sixth grade. But then my boyfriend started getting worried. And forced me to eat. I could lie to him when he wasn’t around, I could tell him I ate and he’d have no clue whether or not I really did. But when he was right next to me. Shoving food down my throat, clearly I couldn’t push it off. So I sort of lost control. And lately I’ve eaten alot.. and it’s like with every bite I take I can feel myself swelling. Like every bite makes me gain ten pounds. So I hit my rock bottom. Starting tomorrow, I will not eat. I will not eat until I am 130 pounds. It isn’t much to ask you know. So why is it so hard for me? Yesterday I cried, very hard. Like sobbed. I didn’t understand how people lost weight so easily. And I couldn’t lose weight at all. I just wanted to feel good enough for once. I’ve never been good enough for anyone.. not even my own parents. I wanted to FEEL like the girl people claim that I am. But I don’t.. and I probably never will..